I want to explain myself a little bit ( maybe to myself I'm not sure) the reason I've been reclusive lately isn't because I'm angry with anyone or hate anyone.
A lot of you know my foster mom's git dementia and it's been a year since her diagnosis. I've asked numerous other magicians for help on this and numerous other magicians did help. For which I'm grateful eternally. With the right medications and therapies we have slowed down the progression of the disease significantly. So gratitude and respect for those who assisted. Yet and still it dies creep forward and I have a real hard time with the emotions that attend that. Yesterday she was sweeping a patio garden, stating active, enjoying the sun and she slipped and fell and to break her fall out her left arm down to break her fall. I'm doing so she snapped nerves tendons and ligaments and now requires a surgery to reconnect those. This is more of the sort of things that will come with aging and maybe there are good parts of it still yet to come I haven't seen or recognized any yet and I get sad and angry that this is our lot. We have all the knowledge and wisdom and experience we need for a human life... basically at the tail end of it. We are conversely at the height of our dysfunction I'm our young years where we rashly make decisions that impact the rest of our lives.
Another thought
I used to believe in being diplomatic and engaging people as a way to build bridges and solve problems. I don't see the point in leveraging relationships anymore to solve problems. If a problem is a problem and I cannot solve it. Its actually am obstacle, if it's an obstacle I need to find or make another way. I no longer rely on other people for things. The allies of today may be bitter enemies tomorrow. What do you do when you are not strong enough to walk this path or any other that you have set out to walk? Quit and go home or get stronger. You can start by asking yourself what is it that would probably help you the most tight now that you want to do the very least. That thing there when you identify it. Try doing it. Most of this is in your head. If you are walking a left hand path road you need to.understand while there is comradere for a time there are other times of long bleak times of alienation. You are going against the grain. Literally a part of that needs to be keeping a sense of humor and your sanity, without lossing your frame of reference in the insanity of solipsism.
So I resolved to do what I should have done long before, close most of the open doors in my life, allow roads that lead to contact with me to be overgrown by thickets and briars and take off on my own. Am I afraid of the wolf packs I'll encounter from time to time alone? Man, I wish a wolf pack would.....it'd be a good dinner that night. Do I worry about poisonous trees ( ones with blueberries) harming me, no , not anymore. Do I worry about what other people think, or say or do. Not especially, I know what it sounds like when a dog barks, and I no longer give a fuck if it barks at me as I pass. Let it bite me though and I'll make an example to all the other dogs like it. Does an elephant care if a dog barks as it passes. No.
So there you have it. I'm staying in my lane and doing me. And for the most part I'm content and occasion joyful.
Here's the newest kitty
Hellcat, I just gave her a piece of liempo ( fried pork belly)
And I'm doing so much business with Ronove I've promoted him to being a junior partner here in the temple, he gets his own seal and place of honor and glory in the fabled Temple of the Backwards Tree. This will save me a lot of time actually.
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